F'ing Freddie
F’ing Freddie
F’ing Freddie
by Doug Jacquier
Freddie Stare was a fabulous finesser of foot-tapping fantasia, with his fascinating rhythms filling the gravity-free firmament after he found Fionnuala Fagan, the famed fox-trotter from Fenagh.With fame, he decided he could fare well without fair Fionnualaand was making a fine fettle of flying solo on his seemingly-feathered feet,playing footsies with footloose floozies.
Not to be fobbed off, Fionnuala furiously fanned her desire for fatal revenge and fossicked through files on pharmacology, sought to distill a phial of foul poison to fix Freddie’s fate, knowing full well he would return to the fold in the future.
She made a tincture of fenugreek, fennel, feverfew, fo-ti root and food-poisoning salmonella disguising its fetid taste with fruit juice and fizzy Fanta.
Inevitably, Freddie became fatiguedand grew too floppy for fandangos, fornications and frolics,so he presented himself to Fionnuala, with fraudulent fork-tongued promises of faithfulness, in order to charm her into ministering to his frail and failing frame, for old friendship’s sake.
Fionnuala was not to be fooledby Freddie’s flattering fakery, but feigned concern and bade him drink of her felicitous tincture, Freddie’s Fantasia, and soon after Freddie fell flat on his face and Fionnuala fed him to the fiery furnace.
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Featured in our September 2023 issue, "Jokes"